Its gonna be alright...

Sean is still here with me. We are living in an apartment in Little Rock now. Its pretty cute. Things are going ok I suppose, still got a lot of issues.

We'll see how it all works out...

:(

He is leaving this weekend...

my heart is breaking to pieces.

He said he still loves me & I believe him, I know he does. But its something he has to do.

I'll always love him though.

The time as come.

Well I guess me and Sean are officially over. I changed my Facebook relationship status to "single" so, its facebook official now. Which these days, means everything.
Last night he asked to borrow my phone. After being on it for a little bit he gave it back to me and said, "I'm probably going to quit tomorrow. I'm moving back to Vermont because I'm not happy here."

It really hurt me because not once did he mention our relationship. It makes me sad that he has no feelings towards me anymore at all and I think that once he leaves, things will be a lot better. The only problem with him leaving soon is he will leave me with all these bills that I can't pay alone.
I have rent, car payment, and light bill. A light bill which is $400 right now.
Heather said that she would help me pay my bills so he can leave sooner, but I don't know.
I'm so hurt, confused, and lost.

This is going to take some time to get use to. I hate being alone. But, I already have been feeling alone with him anyway, so maybe it won't be so bad.

:(

What now?

I am still so confused. If you don't like me or don't want to be with me then leave! I am so sick of this game. He just just fucking with my head, emotions, life, and sanity.
One night he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me and that I'm not his type, the next night he's being nice to me like nothing ever happened BUT...BUT he still doesn't kiss, hug, or tell me he loves me. I don't need this in my life at all. I would rather not waste my time on some fool that doesn't want to be with me. I could be using this time instead to be alone and single and work on myself so that some day I will find someone who truly wants me and wants to be with me.
Instead, I am living with a child in a mans body that knows nothing about what he wants in life and couldn't see a good thing if it bites him on the ass because he is to self absorbed to notice anything in his pathetic excuse for a life!

FUCKING FUCK.

Fuck off.

ugh! Whatever. I am so sick of worrying and being confused and depressed about this situation with Sean. I don't understand him. He's being nice to be, but not loving. If he doesn't want to be with me anymore then I wish he would just leave and stop this whole friends-roommate thing.

If you don't want to be with me, then leave me. I am sick of wondering. I am sick of getting no affection or attention from him when if he wasn't here I could definitely be getting it from someone else. It just isn't right or fair.

I love him with all my heart. But you can't make a heart love someone. So, if his heart can't love me then let me find someone who will.

Why?

I really just don't know what to do anymore.
Is this the life I really want? I would just rather be happy alone I guess. Sean is not happy with me. He said he doesn't want to be with me anymore and it kills me.
I love him so much but I just can't make him love me. He said this is not how he wants his life to be. He feels like we will never get anywhere. I just don't know what to do anymore.

FUCK my LIFE!

It'll be alright.

So, Sean called me yesterday when I was at work (around noon) and asked if it was alright if he went camping at Heber (lake about an hour away) with some friends. I asked him who's all going and he said just the guys. I believe him I suppose, but of course I'm still going to have my doubts and worries about some things. I'm not going to let them bother or get to me.
He's suppose to be coming home around noon and I'm getting off work at that time.
I talked to my friend Alison and she's going to cut and color my hair! I'm so excited.
I became friends with her when she did my hair last time. I usually don't make friends that easy but with her it was extremely easy. We are a like in so many ways. I haven't saw her in forever so I'm pretty excited about it.

Also tonight is the bar thing.
I'm still pretty excited for that as well, I just hope I don't spend that much money. eeek.
Goodbye folks!

-Rachel

Love the way you lie.

While I was driving home from swimming last night I heard this song. In so many ways it reminds me of me and Sean. Not the "hitting" part, but just the song and things he says about their relationship in general.
While I was listening I felt like he was singing and talking for me, or for Sean.
I haven't told him that it reminds me of us, but maybe I should...
Here are the lyrics below..

Love the Way You Lie Lyrics

[Chorus - Rihanna]
just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that’s alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
that’s alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

[Eminem - Verse 1]
i can’t tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
i can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight
high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it the more i suffer, i suffocate
and right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin’ hates me
and i love it, wait, where you goin’?
i’m leavin’ you, no you ain’t come back
we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap
whose that dude? i don’t even know his name
i laid hands on her
i never stoop so low again
i guess i don’t know my own strength

[chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 2]
you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
got that warm fuzzy feeling
yeah them chills used to get em
now you’re getting fuckin’ sick of lookin’ at em
you swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
you push pull each other’s hair
scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
so lost in the moments when you’re in em
it’s the face that’s the culprit, controls ya both,
so they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
guess that they don’t know ya
cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over, it’s a different day
sound like broken records playin’ over
but you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
you don’t get another chance
life is no nintendo game, but you lied again,
now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that’s why they call it window pane

[Chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 3]
now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
but your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though
come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

[chorus]

Love the Way You Lie lyrics by Eminem

A brand new me :)

So, I know this is a big change from yesterday but I just want to say, "I FEEL FANTASTIC!" I don't really know why, nothing has really changed with situation that me and Sean are in. For now though, I can honestly say that I don't give a shit. I am sick of not living my own life anymore.

For a year I think I have been so stupid and dependent on Sean that I haven't even really got to enjoy my own life. I am always afraid that if he goes out with his friends without me that he is going to cheat on me or find someone else that is better than me. But, I am sick of it. If he wants to break up with me then so be it. I will just have to get over it and start living my life for me again. Even if he doesn't break up with me, things are definitely about to change.
I am tired of just sitting at home all the time because I have no money to go out and do anything. I am going to start saving my money and taking care of myself. Putting me first for once instead of him. I am determined to lose some weight (enough to get healthy) and take care of myself more.
I am so excited right now and I think God has opened my eyes to life and I am ecstatic about it!!!


wooowwwwhoooOO!

You can't make it fall...

Ugh, I feel so depressed.

Sean was being pretty nice to me yesterday after work so I thought maybe things were looking up. So when we laid down at night I asked for a hug and he gave me one, but it was cold. It definitely wasn't a hug you would expect from someone you thought loved you. He kissed me on the forehead too and then rolled over and said, "I'm still not your boyfriend." That really hurt me. I don't know what I did so bad to him. I tried to get him to talk to me last night but he just kept saying, "Go to Bed!" I don't know what to do. He said he's sick of fighting with me so much but I really think we get a long more than we fight. I think he just wants to move on and find someone else that is more his type.
Who am I kidding? Look at me. I am not his type at all. I'm not pretty or skinny and I always hoped that my personality would help me in relationships. But now, apparently not even that is good enough for him.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know.
I love him so much and I don't want him to leave me because that would just crush me. I just want him to open up his eyes and see that I am the person he needs. I keep him out of trouble, I care for him, I take care of him, and I love him with all my heart. Just because I'm not as outgoing and wild like he is doesn't mean we can't be together. He needs someone like me to keep him grounded.
I just miss my boyfriend. :(

I heard a George Straight song yesterday and I hope its not a sign to me but I still like the song anyway.

The chorus is:

"You can't make a heart love somebody.
You can tell it what to do but it won't listen at all.
You can't make a heart love somebody.
You can lead a heart to love,
but you can't make it fall."

Fun this weekend, hopefully!

Well, I got news that this weekend me and some friends from work (and also hopefully Sean) and some others are going to go to a bar called Willy D's. Its a piano bar. I am not looking to get shitfaced but I am looking to have a good time and let loose because I haven't in SOOO long.

Hopefully it will be fun and I can't wait until Friday!

Bad Weekend.

Ugh, this was probably one of the worst weekends ever! I barely left my apartment at all because Sean and I got in a fight. A very, very intense fight. He went with his friends to the liquor store when I was on my way home from work. I got a text that said, "With Preston, going to the liquor store be home eventually." That was fine by me. Its Friday, I figure they'll go get some beers and come back to the apartment and hang out. Nope. I get a hold of him around 7:30pm and he tells me he's at his friend, Preston's friends GIRLFRIENDS house. I was like what the fuck!?! But, I didn't freak out. He said he'd be home soon so I didn't think too much of it.
Then hours go by, no sign of him. I call his friend Preston and he says that he left for a little bit and Sean stayed behind. Now, being the jealous girlfriend that I am, I was just wondering what the hell he was staying behind for? Was there a girl there that he wanted to spend some alone time with? I had no idea. Anyway, his friend told me that he would have Sean call me when he got back. About 3 or 4 hours later Sean calls me, being rude as ever. All he kept saying is, "I want to spend time away from you." and hurtful things like that. Thats fine with me. I need my space too, but to say things like, "I don't like being around you, you're a downer."
It really hurt my feelings. I was going to go hang out with him and his friends. But I guess I'm not good enough to do so.
It just really hurt me and we got in this huge argument because he didn't come home until really late and just went straight to bed. The next day he tried to act nice to me and I was still hurt so of course, I brought up the fact that he shouldn't have said those things to me. He got mad, we got in a huge yelling fight and then his friend came and picked him up. Apparently they went swimming in Heber Springs, while I stayed home wondering where my boyfriend was.

He didn't come home until late again and still continued to make me feel like shit and tell me he's leaving me.
He has all his stuff packed up and says he don't know what he's going to do. I'm so confused myself.

Ugh. WHY!?!?

Waiting for True Blood..

Ok, so I just added a link on the top of my blog that shows youtube videos. It told me to type in some keywords to determine the videos that pop up. It took me a few minutes to think of what to put but then I thought, "True Blood, of course!"
I don't know about anyone else, but I absolutely love the True Blood series on HBO. Now, I think the Twilight series movies are great, but True Blood is for the grown ups. :) Just like Twilight though, there is a love triangle. On Twilight its either Edward or Jacob. On True Blood its Eric or Bill. Before I started watching the show I thought, "Oh man that Eric is HOTTT!"But now after watching the show, I love Bill Compton! The only problem is there is supposedly some kind of deep dark serect he is hiding from the [adorable] Sookie. And then of course, there is a new man in the picture which is a WEREWOLF! (Now, normally people would be like "Ugh, they are copying off of Twilight with the whole Vampire/Wolf thing", BUT...BUT.. the True Blood books have been around longer than Twilight, so Bleh!)
Anyways, I should stop rambling on about True Blood. Be sure to tune in this Sunday though for the 3rd episode of season 3! I've got it dvr'd for sure! hehe.

Have a great weekend!

No Beauty here, only the beast.

BAHAHAHHA! I love this so much so I thought I would share it on my blog. :D

Be happy with yourself.

I am so fed up with people today.

Look at this:

Marilyn Monroe was not a size 1, 2, or even 6.
She was a size 12 in dresses and a size 8 in pants. Now, what is sad to me is these days that is considered fat.

A guy likes a girl with confidence. Well, I want guys to know that it is very hard for a girl to be confident when they are always feeling like they're not good enough.

I am not skinny. I am not fat. I am the right size for my structure I think and I am happy with it for the most part. Yes, I could lose some weight and I probably should but, I think that should be MY choice. I should not be forced into changing my body because of someone else making a comment on the way I look.

I know plenty of girls that have a little extra pounds on them but they are beautiful. But they don't feel beautiful. Why? Because the world has made us believe that you are not beautiful unless you are the perfect size. What is the perfect size though? If I was a man, I would much rather have someone full figured. Being too skinny just looks too unhealthy. Being to fat also looks too unhealthy. I think in between both of those is where most of us should be. To be healthy and to look healthy.
Self esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person. So why should we let anyone else determine our own views towards ourselves? Its called self esteem. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. If you have low self esteem, look at the reasons you are feeling this way. Change those things for YOURSELF. Don't change them for other people. I have been called fat more than a few times in my life and I use to let it bother me. It bothered me to the point where I didn't want to hang out with anyone, dress up, nothing. I thought, "whats the point?" No one is going to care what I look like whether I'm dressed up or not.
But then I thought, "Wait a second, this is my life and I'm not going to let someone elses thoughts of me change who I am." I got up, put on my make up and the outfit I thought I looked extremely good lookin' in (hehe) and I went out and did my thing.
Its all about confidence. You will look great if you feel great.

And no, I'm not talking bad about all the skinny people in the world, I'm just praising all the chubby/curvy girls that don't get enough credit.

This is me. For once in my life, I can say...that I am happy with my looks. I'm happy with my weight. I'm happy with my life.
There are some things about myself that I would not mind changing, but until then I'm not going to frown upon myself anymore.




"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."
— Marilyn Monroe

Atleast its Thursday

Good morning to my non existing followers!

Today is the second day of my blog and I'm still trying to figure everything out. I am so picky when it comes to these things so it'll probably take me a while to get everything the way I want it.
I have plenty of time at work for it though, so no worries :)

I guess I can start to describe myself today, you can read my about me section to understand my life a little, but here goes:

My name is Rachel. I'm 22 years old. I have one (older) sister, Heather. She's 25 years old. My parents are still happily married and all that good stuff. My family is very close, small, and usually pretty crazy. I love all my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.. I have no grandparents left because of the sad, sad fact that usually people in my family don't live long healthy lives. I live with my boyfriend, Sean, in Conway, Arkansas. We met over a year ago and he moved here to Arkansas to be with me (he's from Vermont) and I love him to death.
I have two cats, Diego and Mini. Diego is the best cat I have ever head. He's 4 years old. He's spoiled rotten, too. Diego is the sweetest cat in the world, he loves everyone and is just so lazy.
Mini is the newest addition to the family. She's only 10 weeks old (if that). She is going to be a really good cat though, I can already tell and she is so adorable.
Last but certainly not least is Neeka. She is a husky mix and has the prettiest eyes. They are bright blue and her fur is black and light brown. She is the sweetest and smartest dog I myself have ever had. She's a year old now (and has already had puppies.) But, now she's fixed. Thank God.

That is pretty much all I really have to say about my life. I have some friends, but I don't hang out with many anymore. I'm mostly at home with Sean and the animals or at work. I have some awesome new friends at work now that I am happy about. I feel like I have known Jessie and April my entire life. I would definitely consider them my best friends now.
I graduated High School in 2006 and I haven't looked back. I don't talk to many people I went to school with. Mostly just Candace (we work together now! She's been my best friend for a long time) and occasionally I'll talk to Elizabeth (another best friend from High school) because she lives just a few apartments down from me.


Well, that is enough about my "life" right now. I gotta get to work on making this site better and need to think of certain topics to talk about. GEEEZZ.

I will include some pictures of my life below.
Here is my dog, Neeka.

Welcome to my blog...

Well,

I'm not too good at this sort of thing, but if my work is going to block just about every website I get interested in, then I guess starting a blog is a good option.
Since this is my first post so I'm not too sure on what to talk about or say. Hopefully I'll get better with time.
Currently I am trying to just figure out this layout setup.
Wish me luck!

P.S. I must come up with something clever to talk about, a good topic of some sort on a day to day basis.

-Rachel