Love the way you lie.

While I was driving home from swimming last night I heard this song. In so many ways it reminds me of me and Sean. Not the "hitting" part, but just the song and things he says about their relationship in general.
While I was listening I felt like he was singing and talking for me, or for Sean.
I haven't told him that it reminds me of us, but maybe I should...
Here are the lyrics below..

Love the Way You Lie Lyrics

[Chorus - Rihanna]
just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that’s alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
that’s alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

[Eminem - Verse 1]
i can’t tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
i can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight
high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it the more i suffer, i suffocate
and right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin’ hates me
and i love it, wait, where you goin’?
i’m leavin’ you, no you ain’t come back
we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap
whose that dude? i don’t even know his name
i laid hands on her
i never stoop so low again
i guess i don’t know my own strength

[chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 2]
you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
got that warm fuzzy feeling
yeah them chills used to get em
now you’re getting fuckin’ sick of lookin’ at em
you swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
you push pull each other’s hair
scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
so lost in the moments when you’re in em
it’s the face that’s the culprit, controls ya both,
so they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
guess that they don’t know ya
cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over, it’s a different day
sound like broken records playin’ over
but you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
you don’t get another chance
life is no nintendo game, but you lied again,
now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that’s why they call it window pane

[Chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 3]
now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
but your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though
come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

[chorus]

Love the Way You Lie lyrics by Eminem

A brand new me :)

So, I know this is a big change from yesterday but I just want to say, "I FEEL FANTASTIC!" I don't really know why, nothing has really changed with situation that me and Sean are in. For now though, I can honestly say that I don't give a shit. I am sick of not living my own life anymore.

For a year I think I have been so stupid and dependent on Sean that I haven't even really got to enjoy my own life. I am always afraid that if he goes out with his friends without me that he is going to cheat on me or find someone else that is better than me. But, I am sick of it. If he wants to break up with me then so be it. I will just have to get over it and start living my life for me again. Even if he doesn't break up with me, things are definitely about to change.
I am tired of just sitting at home all the time because I have no money to go out and do anything. I am going to start saving my money and taking care of myself. Putting me first for once instead of him. I am determined to lose some weight (enough to get healthy) and take care of myself more.
I am so excited right now and I think God has opened my eyes to life and I am ecstatic about it!!!


wooowwwwhoooOO!

You can't make it fall...

Ugh, I feel so depressed.

Sean was being pretty nice to me yesterday after work so I thought maybe things were looking up. So when we laid down at night I asked for a hug and he gave me one, but it was cold. It definitely wasn't a hug you would expect from someone you thought loved you. He kissed me on the forehead too and then rolled over and said, "I'm still not your boyfriend." That really hurt me. I don't know what I did so bad to him. I tried to get him to talk to me last night but he just kept saying, "Go to Bed!" I don't know what to do. He said he's sick of fighting with me so much but I really think we get a long more than we fight. I think he just wants to move on and find someone else that is more his type.
Who am I kidding? Look at me. I am not his type at all. I'm not pretty or skinny and I always hoped that my personality would help me in relationships. But now, apparently not even that is good enough for him.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know.
I love him so much and I don't want him to leave me because that would just crush me. I just want him to open up his eyes and see that I am the person he needs. I keep him out of trouble, I care for him, I take care of him, and I love him with all my heart. Just because I'm not as outgoing and wild like he is doesn't mean we can't be together. He needs someone like me to keep him grounded.
I just miss my boyfriend. :(

I heard a George Straight song yesterday and I hope its not a sign to me but I still like the song anyway.

The chorus is:

"You can't make a heart love somebody.
You can tell it what to do but it won't listen at all.
You can't make a heart love somebody.
You can lead a heart to love,
but you can't make it fall."

Fun this weekend, hopefully!

Well, I got news that this weekend me and some friends from work (and also hopefully Sean) and some others are going to go to a bar called Willy D's. Its a piano bar. I am not looking to get shitfaced but I am looking to have a good time and let loose because I haven't in SOOO long.

Hopefully it will be fun and I can't wait until Friday!

Bad Weekend.

Ugh, this was probably one of the worst weekends ever! I barely left my apartment at all because Sean and I got in a fight. A very, very intense fight. He went with his friends to the liquor store when I was on my way home from work. I got a text that said, "With Preston, going to the liquor store be home eventually." That was fine by me. Its Friday, I figure they'll go get some beers and come back to the apartment and hang out. Nope. I get a hold of him around 7:30pm and he tells me he's at his friend, Preston's friends GIRLFRIENDS house. I was like what the fuck!?! But, I didn't freak out. He said he'd be home soon so I didn't think too much of it.
Then hours go by, no sign of him. I call his friend Preston and he says that he left for a little bit and Sean stayed behind. Now, being the jealous girlfriend that I am, I was just wondering what the hell he was staying behind for? Was there a girl there that he wanted to spend some alone time with? I had no idea. Anyway, his friend told me that he would have Sean call me when he got back. About 3 or 4 hours later Sean calls me, being rude as ever. All he kept saying is, "I want to spend time away from you." and hurtful things like that. Thats fine with me. I need my space too, but to say things like, "I don't like being around you, you're a downer."
It really hurt my feelings. I was going to go hang out with him and his friends. But I guess I'm not good enough to do so.
It just really hurt me and we got in this huge argument because he didn't come home until really late and just went straight to bed. The next day he tried to act nice to me and I was still hurt so of course, I brought up the fact that he shouldn't have said those things to me. He got mad, we got in a huge yelling fight and then his friend came and picked him up. Apparently they went swimming in Heber Springs, while I stayed home wondering where my boyfriend was.

He didn't come home until late again and still continued to make me feel like shit and tell me he's leaving me.
He has all his stuff packed up and says he don't know what he's going to do. I'm so confused myself.

Ugh. WHY!?!?

Waiting for True Blood..

Ok, so I just added a link on the top of my blog that shows youtube videos. It told me to type in some keywords to determine the videos that pop up. It took me a few minutes to think of what to put but then I thought, "True Blood, of course!"
I don't know about anyone else, but I absolutely love the True Blood series on HBO. Now, I think the Twilight series movies are great, but True Blood is for the grown ups. :) Just like Twilight though, there is a love triangle. On Twilight its either Edward or Jacob. On True Blood its Eric or Bill. Before I started watching the show I thought, "Oh man that Eric is HOTTT!"But now after watching the show, I love Bill Compton! The only problem is there is supposedly some kind of deep dark serect he is hiding from the [adorable] Sookie. And then of course, there is a new man in the picture which is a WEREWOLF! (Now, normally people would be like "Ugh, they are copying off of Twilight with the whole Vampire/Wolf thing", BUT...BUT.. the True Blood books have been around longer than Twilight, so Bleh!)
Anyways, I should stop rambling on about True Blood. Be sure to tune in this Sunday though for the 3rd episode of season 3! I've got it dvr'd for sure! hehe.

Have a great weekend!

No Beauty here, only the beast.

BAHAHAHHA! I love this so much so I thought I would share it on my blog. :D